Relationships: A complicated journey

I've finally met him! A handsome and wonderful gentleman! A man who loves God, who opens car doors, who wants to be my friend before anything else. Ladies, men like this exist! I am so blessed to have actually met one, hopefully someday call him my own. 

In the past, I've known the kind of "boys" who want nothing but to see every curve of you, your body that is. I'd have to get somewhere physical before ever even knowing how they feel or who they are. That was what I went on knowing. Guys who never bothered to plan anything after the first date was taken care of, guys who couldn't wait to see the next level, guys that never bothered to ask what I want.

Here I am, with a man who wants nothing but to know me and know what I want, and I had been far too blind to his care and kindness that the lack of physical affection bothered me. We sat in his car as my heart and my lust fought to the time I was home I could not even give a proper answer to how I felt. He wanted to take things slow, to be my friend, to come to know me before ever being close to knowing me on a physical level. Knowing that one kiss could make his male instincts soar, he strived to stay on God's path he had for him and to keep our relationship pure. And when I look back on it, I wonder how on earth I could feel so bitter about the lack of one stupid kiss. When I have everything that nearly every girl doesn't. I knew I couldn't lose this wonderful man, and he would probably be one of the very few how are worth running after. So I prayed and I craved to understand and care for him. That he would see how long I would wait just for one small kiss. That nothing in the world mattered but his happiness and his path in fellowship. 

So we start from the top, we go on another date and seem like we've never done more than side hugs. But knowing how much I care and want to hear about his day, and his car, and his home. As if learning to know him behind a glass wall, if that's what has to be done then I will do so. When you meet a man who has respect, morals, and values... you hang on. But don't let yourself forget that God has a path for you. God is telling me to slow down, to appreciate the care that have never had from other guys, to see the affection through his actions and to learn to know his heart.

So no, it's not like in country songs or in musicals. People don't fall in love within days or minutes, it is never just a kiss. Your heart is so tender, so ready for love, but you must guard it. And when you finally get that kiss, that one little dumb kiss....it'll be the most amazing thing ever. I know this, because the amount of butterflies rushed through me when he gave me a peck on top of my head. The great things are always worth waiting for. And love takes time, friendships will grow, and God will do the rest.

My Mom

It's difficult. It's complicated. But I wouldn't change what I have for the world.
My Mom. The woman of my life, who tells me right from wrong, who taught me true beauty, and who tells me tales of true love and the struggles that come before it. She is practically my other half, she has made me the woman that I am today.
But she faces pain that daily, a pain that can't make go away with a bandage. Not even with all the love and affection in your heart can make this pain stop. It isn't my fault, but I feel ridiculous asking how she is each day. She's "fine". But she's not, she's just used to the struggle. My asking everyday is just to show that I care, since I can't put a bandage on it, or I can't plead for forgiveness for pain I've caused. Cause it's not a scratch, it's not emotional pain. I don't know what it is, but I wish it'd go away. All I can do is make her life a little easier, but then I even fail at that.
There is an underlying pain I carry, that doesn't surface too often but it does it's like a knife. I am not her daughter. Crazy, right? By blood, I am not her daughter. But we have the strongest relationship a mother and daughter could have. When I hear, how she didn't give birth to me, out of anyone else's mouth it's nothing. But when I hear it from her, that's when it hurts. I want so bad for her to be my blood mom sometimes. Believing it would make us all the closer. Knowing that there wasn't that moment in the hospital where they hand me over to her, crying as I am tasting air for the first time, her crying, seeing her new born daughter that she's been carrying around for nine months. Hair sticking to her sweaty forehead knowing looks don't matter. Cause that bond is so strong. We didn't have that moment. Sometimes we like to believe we did. She came into my life willingly, and I came into hers unknowingly. I merely adopted a mom and she gained another daughter. Sometimes, that bond is stronger. She didn't have to give me all her love, raise me as her own, teach me lessons through the mistakes. I didn't have to call her mom, I didn't have to respect her as a parent, I didn't have to share my heartache with boys. I can only wish that I can truly call her mine, because I love her like she is. I love her so much, that my heart hurts with hers, I cry when she cries, I hurt after I've accidentally hurt her. And I hate asking if she's okay when I know she's not.
She, is my mom. I refuse to believe she is my step mom. I just have to take the knife out every time I hear how she didn't give birth to me. It's not so much a knife as it feels like a wall I can't get through. But I know that everything I am, is her. The love I know, is her.
I love you Mom.

Coping

Today marks the second day of no tears. I do my best to stay as strong as I can. Goodbyes had to be said to someone dear to me. Yes, it was a short time. While time is a factor, it's the moments that make the most impact. Two months might be too early for I love yous and be as crazy to say you'll go where they go. People have gotten married in less time and have lasted forever. I believe what hurts the most is that we had both agreed, and have always agreed, that following the logic of society was never something we wanted to do. Something we never liked doing at that. Society says, have sex in a month. Society says two months is not long enough for real love, where is the logic in that? Society can't decide if a kiss on the first date is right or if you're wimp if you don't. We went at our own pace, and until this moment had he ever thought of the world, what he hasn't seen, what he hasn't done. I can't decide, is he scared of everything going on, or his heart trying so hard to push out emotions that he has changed? I know he is not himself. It hurts me. We agreed to not speak for a month. To see if we can "deal" with the fact that we are 15 minutes away from each other, and if we cannot do that then we do something about it. It's not a race to push the other person out of our hearts or to find someone new. It's a test to see if our love can hold despite the distance. I am scared. Scared he will forget me. Scared he will make himself believe there was never anything. We will not talk. Unless something important has happened. I will continue to stay strong. I will continue to choose him every morning, to think of him in the moments I have to myself, but I will not cry. Crying is for when it's over...and my heart doesn't feel it. I write to him at the end of my day. So it's like a long distance relationship. I will have what seems like no one around for my birthday. My best friend will be in Canada until September...and I cannot see the man that I care for. I always have family. Family doesn't come and go. They're with you for life. Friends come and go, boyfriends come and go, unless you are willing to go where they go...and they are willing to take you. I know who he is...and that's who I continue to try for everyday.

A love letter:

Dear Love,

My heart has never felt so empty. Every tear I have cried has taken bits of my heart away, a heart that has somehow always belonged to you. You watched out for me when other guys would look me up and down, you kissed me to shut me up from talking nonsense, you reassured me that I was always enough, you respected me and loved me for all that I am. All my crazy emotional unstableness, you still pulled through.

Your family, I fell in love with them all, even your obnoxious little brother. Your mom was so kind to me, and to think I was so scared she wouldn't like me! Your sister and her kids, Summer is going to be such a beautiful girl, and I know Uncle Sean will do all he can to watch out for her. Your hilarious older brother and his girlfriend, their baby will be so adorable. Crazy to think the due date is my birthday...

One thing for you to keep in mind, your sister is strong. The strongest I could know, she has made the person you have become today and for that she deserves all my thanks in the world. She gave me someone who respected and cared for me, someone who put me on such a high pedestal that even you felt you weren't enough for me. My first prayer for her and you was the day when we had to be cut off from each other. That day tore my world and my heart apart, but I asked God to keep us strong, you, me, and your sister. And I know he will.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you."-Jeremiah 29:11

This verse I carry with me daily to remind me that no matter how hard and horrible things may seem to get, there is always good to come. I would give anything in this world to spend the rest of my days with you, loving you and always being there so you can have someone to talk to. I can only pray and hope that whatever may happen that we will be in each others arms again and only have to say goodbye when we head off to work.

I ask that you stay strong for anything that may come along and try to tear you down, but that you always try to get in touch with your heart in the silence and moments that God gives you, and that it will never be too hidden that not even you can see who you are.

I have never loved so much. You were right, I never really had butterflies, neither did you, but we always felt weird with each other, a good weird. Maybe cause the honeymoon stage didn't last so long, we instinctively knew to care for the other person. I don't know when exactly that happened but it did. When you said you loved me...and you looked right into my eyes, I knew it wasn't just said because it was goodbye. I did not want to leave. I wanted to stay in your arms, but even a simple kiss was too much for our tired hearts to bare.

The world is an f***ed up place. But it's all apart of a plan that we cannot see. And we are not supposed to see. You always try to figure it out, but you get stressed and aggravated that you don't have to answers. But that's okay. It's not about getting the answer, it's about finding yourself in the question. And instead of thinking logically or instead of using your head, you let your heart speak.

When God brings your sister home, I want to be right there when you wake up the next day. I don't know how long that would be, but it's killing me already.

I love you. With every bit of my heart and until God has shown me someone else to love, I will continue to choose you every morning and to love you from a distance every night.

I love your family and I am looking forward to seeing them again.

Love,

Laura

Waitress Diaries: Looking on the bright side

For weeks I had considered looking for another job. I hadn't been getting the hours I needed, I was upset with the management at the time, and I was just plain tired of it. But things really started shaping up lately!

They had fired four or five people so I got some more hours to my name. Which makes me sad and a little glad, because I enjoyed those girls' company, but the work was needed. I don't know. I really started enjoying my tables and guests and the rest of my crew. There's not a particular waitress/waiter or manager that I'm not happy with or who I don't think is doing their job properly.

I've been stiffed on a tip before, but it would shape up for the rest of the night. I told myself to not let it get to me, it was just one table. Sure enough...I got a fifteen dollar tip on the next one.

I've also received a one hundred dollar tip. By a person who just wanted to make someone's day (or a total creep if you're my mom-Love you mom!)

Then on a Monday night...I made a bill. I haven't made that much since spring break!

I came across a table with a guest who was, for the lack of better words, like my father. Picked on me the first second I got there. So off the top I knew it was bound to be an adventure! The man had a glass of water, no ice. He needed a refill, I told him there was no way I could refill it with the water pitcher I had because it had ice in it. He told me to try, I then proceeded to dump water and ice in his cup. His wife and himself laughing as I walked away with some dirty plates. I come back to their table as he is fishing out his ice onto a dirty plate. "Oh, let me just take this out of the way." As I quickly leave with the plate of ice and I hear their giggles. Coming back from the kitchen I notice the wife talking to one of my managers. I was a little nervous as first but I saw them laughing and then I wasn't too concerned. When I return and see the wife I ask why she was tattle telling on me, she was bragging! And she said my manager loved me! The husband appreciated that I played along and said as long as he is taken care of that it's all good. Overall, a great table full of awesome guests!

You come across some pretty awesome people, you become, not only more social, but you improve your social skills. But I can usually tell which tables feel like talking with me. If they're on a date, then just get them drinks and bring them food, don't bug too much!

Sometimes I have guests hug me and thank me for the awesome service, some invite me to sit down with them and talk. 

I love to up sale drinks! It's so easy when it's a week day. Some need to kick back because it was a long day back at work, and an extra shot...really sounds good ;)

All in all, I think if you "try" to enjoy your job...you actually start too! :)

"Would you rather"

While on vacation, my friend and I had to come up with ways to keep ourselves amused, especially when we were driving! Mad libs, and music, to other silly little car games and pool games. One of them being "Would you rather". This one is alot of fun actually!

This game can be silly, dirty, funny, or serious if you want. We typically go for silly, get boys involved, impossible situations, stuff like that. One caught me off guard.

She asked me, if this guy that I had once dated for a bit (who turned out to be a total douche bag, told people I was stalking him and such...he gave me his address, which I don't even remember lol) she said if this guy had turned into the sweetest guy ever, left his girl for me, and begged and cried to have me back, or stay with Sean. I picked my Sean :) Well for one thing, it would be too perfect. There would be no push or stove, I like how in a relationship we can feel ourselves working on the other to work for something too. It's like we're both pushing on a wall, different sides of it, but we just want the other to see what we have for them on that wall. (I know my metaphors are cheesy..)

But having that guy, "become everything I need"...is not what I need, haha! I think one day, when you're married and have settled down, become comfortable with your mate then playing that game can be a little more fun. Getting to know what celeb your husband would like to vacation with or spend a whole day with, see what hot man your wife would like to have give her back a massage. This game is so revealing!!

Would you rather eat whatever sweets you want for a full year and never get fat and stay fit OR have your farts smell amazing forever!!...I picked the farts haha

So, if you haven't heard of it, you should play it, it is fun :D 

A Gift

I've always loved receiving gifts! On Christmas, Birthday's, or just because. Who doesn't like getting gifts? Some people actually don't! Well, they don't know how to react to it and that's usually what the giver looks for. See the smile on their face and the joy they hope it brings them. I was a victim of this recently, haha! Here's the story.

My boyfriend's birthday was a few days ago and I really wanted to do something special for him, only later to find out that he hates his birthday. Just my luck right? I do my best. I listen to all I can and remember what I try. He's kind of a video game nut, which I adore! I love seeing guys get in their zone! It is a bit tough to get them out of that zone though ;) So I spent three days creating a card for him, I love art so it wasn't a burden any which way. I wrote it out first and incorporated all the video game names I could. It ended up pretty cheesy sounding but here's some of my favorite ones I drew...

 Forgive me for having taken these photos sideways..

Pretty proud of this one. (Actually got to see him play this game!)

This one took forever! Some of it had to be finger painted because I lost most of brushes or accidentally destroyed...

 The original name on this game was "Drake" but I changed it to his name, the original background detail was also a little overwhelming so I improvised.

But this is the gist of what I did for him, his mom cried when she read the card! So sweet :)

A few weeks before him and I had gone to the comic store and he came across this book of Marvel comic book characters and all their background stories, I read it, it was pretty cool. He wanted it so bad but ended up getting something else, I went back the next day and got it for him. I had also made us bracelets...I know it's really girly but something in me said he'd appreciate it. They're portal bracelets, from the video game. And one more thing I picked up on the way there. Pralines pecan and creme ice cream and a bottle of water because it's too sweet for him so he needs water with it. That little thing came up when I was driving him home one night. I just wanted him to see how much I cared and listened. You know what? He didn't know how to feel! haha...oh goodness. I was okay with that, he said no one's done anything like that for him...he said once how his brother always seems to get the silver spoon. And well I wanted to give a silver spoon to him, maybe it wasn't silver maybe like bronze, haha with all my homemade stuff.

In the end, his emotions, I know I'll have to wait for, and so far, everything is worth waiting for.

Happy Birthday, baby! <3 Thanks for being silly with me!!