My Mom

It's difficult. It's complicated. But I wouldn't change what I have for the world.
My Mom. The woman of my life, who tells me right from wrong, who taught me true beauty, and who tells me tales of true love and the struggles that come before it. She is practically my other half, she has made me the woman that I am today.
But she faces pain that daily, a pain that can't make go away with a bandage. Not even with all the love and affection in your heart can make this pain stop. It isn't my fault, but I feel ridiculous asking how she is each day. She's "fine". But she's not, she's just used to the struggle. My asking everyday is just to show that I care, since I can't put a bandage on it, or I can't plead for forgiveness for pain I've caused. Cause it's not a scratch, it's not emotional pain. I don't know what it is, but I wish it'd go away. All I can do is make her life a little easier, but then I even fail at that.
There is an underlying pain I carry, that doesn't surface too often but it does it's like a knife. I am not her daughter. Crazy, right? By blood, I am not her daughter. But we have the strongest relationship a mother and daughter could have. When I hear, how she didn't give birth to me, out of anyone else's mouth it's nothing. But when I hear it from her, that's when it hurts. I want so bad for her to be my blood mom sometimes. Believing it would make us all the closer. Knowing that there wasn't that moment in the hospital where they hand me over to her, crying as I am tasting air for the first time, her crying, seeing her new born daughter that she's been carrying around for nine months. Hair sticking to her sweaty forehead knowing looks don't matter. Cause that bond is so strong. We didn't have that moment. Sometimes we like to believe we did. She came into my life willingly, and I came into hers unknowingly. I merely adopted a mom and she gained another daughter. Sometimes, that bond is stronger. She didn't have to give me all her love, raise me as her own, teach me lessons through the mistakes. I didn't have to call her mom, I didn't have to respect her as a parent, I didn't have to share my heartache with boys. I can only wish that I can truly call her mine, because I love her like she is. I love her so much, that my heart hurts with hers, I cry when she cries, I hurt after I've accidentally hurt her. And I hate asking if she's okay when I know she's not.
She, is my mom. I refuse to believe she is my step mom. I just have to take the knife out every time I hear how she didn't give birth to me. It's not so much a knife as it feels like a wall I can't get through. But I know that everything I am, is her. The love I know, is her.
I love you Mom.

Coping

Today marks the second day of no tears. I do my best to stay as strong as I can. Goodbyes had to be said to someone dear to me. Yes, it was a short time. While time is a factor, it's the moments that make the most impact. Two months might be too early for I love yous and be as crazy to say you'll go where they go. People have gotten married in less time and have lasted forever. I believe what hurts the most is that we had both agreed, and have always agreed, that following the logic of society was never something we wanted to do. Something we never liked doing at that. Society says, have sex in a month. Society says two months is not long enough for real love, where is the logic in that? Society can't decide if a kiss on the first date is right or if you're wimp if you don't. We went at our own pace, and until this moment had he ever thought of the world, what he hasn't seen, what he hasn't done. I can't decide, is he scared of everything going on, or his heart trying so hard to push out emotions that he has changed? I know he is not himself. It hurts me. We agreed to not speak for a month. To see if we can "deal" with the fact that we are 15 minutes away from each other, and if we cannot do that then we do something about it. It's not a race to push the other person out of our hearts or to find someone new. It's a test to see if our love can hold despite the distance. I am scared. Scared he will forget me. Scared he will make himself believe there was never anything. We will not talk. Unless something important has happened. I will continue to stay strong. I will continue to choose him every morning, to think of him in the moments I have to myself, but I will not cry. Crying is for when it's over...and my heart doesn't feel it. I write to him at the end of my day. So it's like a long distance relationship. I will have what seems like no one around for my birthday. My best friend will be in Canada until September...and I cannot see the man that I care for. I always have family. Family doesn't come and go. They're with you for life. Friends come and go, boyfriends come and go, unless you are willing to go where they go...and they are willing to take you. I know who he is...and that's who I continue to try for everyday.

A love letter:

Dear Love,

My heart has never felt so empty. Every tear I have cried has taken bits of my heart away, a heart that has somehow always belonged to you. You watched out for me when other guys would look me up and down, you kissed me to shut me up from talking nonsense, you reassured me that I was always enough, you respected me and loved me for all that I am. All my crazy emotional unstableness, you still pulled through.

Your family, I fell in love with them all, even your obnoxious little brother. Your mom was so kind to me, and to think I was so scared she wouldn't like me! Your sister and her kids, Summer is going to be such a beautiful girl, and I know Uncle Sean will do all he can to watch out for her. Your hilarious older brother and his girlfriend, their baby will be so adorable. Crazy to think the due date is my birthday...

One thing for you to keep in mind, your sister is strong. The strongest I could know, she has made the person you have become today and for that she deserves all my thanks in the world. She gave me someone who respected and cared for me, someone who put me on such a high pedestal that even you felt you weren't enough for me. My first prayer for her and you was the day when we had to be cut off from each other. That day tore my world and my heart apart, but I asked God to keep us strong, you, me, and your sister. And I know he will.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you."-Jeremiah 29:11

This verse I carry with me daily to remind me that no matter how hard and horrible things may seem to get, there is always good to come. I would give anything in this world to spend the rest of my days with you, loving you and always being there so you can have someone to talk to. I can only pray and hope that whatever may happen that we will be in each others arms again and only have to say goodbye when we head off to work.

I ask that you stay strong for anything that may come along and try to tear you down, but that you always try to get in touch with your heart in the silence and moments that God gives you, and that it will never be too hidden that not even you can see who you are.

I have never loved so much. You were right, I never really had butterflies, neither did you, but we always felt weird with each other, a good weird. Maybe cause the honeymoon stage didn't last so long, we instinctively knew to care for the other person. I don't know when exactly that happened but it did. When you said you loved me...and you looked right into my eyes, I knew it wasn't just said because it was goodbye. I did not want to leave. I wanted to stay in your arms, but even a simple kiss was too much for our tired hearts to bare.

The world is an f***ed up place. But it's all apart of a plan that we cannot see. And we are not supposed to see. You always try to figure it out, but you get stressed and aggravated that you don't have to answers. But that's okay. It's not about getting the answer, it's about finding yourself in the question. And instead of thinking logically or instead of using your head, you let your heart speak.

When God brings your sister home, I want to be right there when you wake up the next day. I don't know how long that would be, but it's killing me already.

I love you. With every bit of my heart and until God has shown me someone else to love, I will continue to choose you every morning and to love you from a distance every night.

I love your family and I am looking forward to seeing them again.

Love,

Laura

Waitress Diaries: Looking on the bright side

For weeks I had considered looking for another job. I hadn't been getting the hours I needed, I was upset with the management at the time, and I was just plain tired of it. But things really started shaping up lately!

They had fired four or five people so I got some more hours to my name. Which makes me sad and a little glad, because I enjoyed those girls' company, but the work was needed. I don't know. I really started enjoying my tables and guests and the rest of my crew. There's not a particular waitress/waiter or manager that I'm not happy with or who I don't think is doing their job properly.

I've been stiffed on a tip before, but it would shape up for the rest of the night. I told myself to not let it get to me, it was just one table. Sure enough...I got a fifteen dollar tip on the next one.

I've also received a one hundred dollar tip. By a person who just wanted to make someone's day (or a total creep if you're my mom-Love you mom!)

Then on a Monday night...I made a bill. I haven't made that much since spring break!

I came across a table with a guest who was, for the lack of better words, like my father. Picked on me the first second I got there. So off the top I knew it was bound to be an adventure! The man had a glass of water, no ice. He needed a refill, I told him there was no way I could refill it with the water pitcher I had because it had ice in it. He told me to try, I then proceeded to dump water and ice in his cup. His wife and himself laughing as I walked away with some dirty plates. I come back to their table as he is fishing out his ice onto a dirty plate. "Oh, let me just take this out of the way." As I quickly leave with the plate of ice and I hear their giggles. Coming back from the kitchen I notice the wife talking to one of my managers. I was a little nervous as first but I saw them laughing and then I wasn't too concerned. When I return and see the wife I ask why she was tattle telling on me, she was bragging! And she said my manager loved me! The husband appreciated that I played along and said as long as he is taken care of that it's all good. Overall, a great table full of awesome guests!

You come across some pretty awesome people, you become, not only more social, but you improve your social skills. But I can usually tell which tables feel like talking with me. If they're on a date, then just get them drinks and bring them food, don't bug too much!

Sometimes I have guests hug me and thank me for the awesome service, some invite me to sit down with them and talk. 

I love to up sale drinks! It's so easy when it's a week day. Some need to kick back because it was a long day back at work, and an extra shot...really sounds good ;)

All in all, I think if you "try" to enjoy your job...you actually start too! :)

"Would you rather"

While on vacation, my friend and I had to come up with ways to keep ourselves amused, especially when we were driving! Mad libs, and music, to other silly little car games and pool games. One of them being "Would you rather". This one is alot of fun actually!

This game can be silly, dirty, funny, or serious if you want. We typically go for silly, get boys involved, impossible situations, stuff like that. One caught me off guard.

She asked me, if this guy that I had once dated for a bit (who turned out to be a total douche bag, told people I was stalking him and such...he gave me his address, which I don't even remember lol) she said if this guy had turned into the sweetest guy ever, left his girl for me, and begged and cried to have me back, or stay with Sean. I picked my Sean :) Well for one thing, it would be too perfect. There would be no push or stove, I like how in a relationship we can feel ourselves working on the other to work for something too. It's like we're both pushing on a wall, different sides of it, but we just want the other to see what we have for them on that wall. (I know my metaphors are cheesy..)

But having that guy, "become everything I need"...is not what I need, haha! I think one day, when you're married and have settled down, become comfortable with your mate then playing that game can be a little more fun. Getting to know what celeb your husband would like to vacation with or spend a whole day with, see what hot man your wife would like to have give her back a massage. This game is so revealing!!

Would you rather eat whatever sweets you want for a full year and never get fat and stay fit OR have your farts smell amazing forever!!...I picked the farts haha

So, if you haven't heard of it, you should play it, it is fun :D 

A Gift

I've always loved receiving gifts! On Christmas, Birthday's, or just because. Who doesn't like getting gifts? Some people actually don't! Well, they don't know how to react to it and that's usually what the giver looks for. See the smile on their face and the joy they hope it brings them. I was a victim of this recently, haha! Here's the story.

My boyfriend's birthday was a few days ago and I really wanted to do something special for him, only later to find out that he hates his birthday. Just my luck right? I do my best. I listen to all I can and remember what I try. He's kind of a video game nut, which I adore! I love seeing guys get in their zone! It is a bit tough to get them out of that zone though ;) So I spent three days creating a card for him, I love art so it wasn't a burden any which way. I wrote it out first and incorporated all the video game names I could. It ended up pretty cheesy sounding but here's some of my favorite ones I drew...

 Forgive me for having taken these photos sideways..

Pretty proud of this one. (Actually got to see him play this game!)

This one took forever! Some of it had to be finger painted because I lost most of brushes or accidentally destroyed...

 The original name on this game was "Drake" but I changed it to his name, the original background detail was also a little overwhelming so I improvised.

But this is the gist of what I did for him, his mom cried when she read the card! So sweet :)

A few weeks before him and I had gone to the comic store and he came across this book of Marvel comic book characters and all their background stories, I read it, it was pretty cool. He wanted it so bad but ended up getting something else, I went back the next day and got it for him. I had also made us bracelets...I know it's really girly but something in me said he'd appreciate it. They're portal bracelets, from the video game. And one more thing I picked up on the way there. Pralines pecan and creme ice cream and a bottle of water because it's too sweet for him so he needs water with it. That little thing came up when I was driving him home one night. I just wanted him to see how much I cared and listened. You know what? He didn't know how to feel! haha...oh goodness. I was okay with that, he said no one's done anything like that for him...he said once how his brother always seems to get the silver spoon. And well I wanted to give a silver spoon to him, maybe it wasn't silver maybe like bronze, haha with all my homemade stuff.

In the end, his emotions, I know I'll have to wait for, and so far, everything is worth waiting for.

Happy Birthday, baby! <3 Thanks for being silly with me!!

Things that make me go "EEEK!!!"

It's just around the corner, it's underneath your bed, and OH MY GOSH IT'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!

Fears, it pretty much takes over us as soon as we find it. But sometimes it's not so much a fear as it can be a superstition. I have a few myself. Dun DUn DUN!!!

Walking through the halls when it's dark. This is what makes you quietly bolt to the bathroom in the dead night. You can feel something watching you, you don't know what it is, but it's only your cat. You make it to the restroom, you pop a squat on the throne of craps. The shower curtain. Not the shower curtain...you're not sure what's behind it, you think it's a serial killer who magically appeared there, but really it's just your shampoo...wanting to wash your hair! Be careful when you're done though, cause when you're washing your hands you don't want to look in the mirror. Because someone will pop up when you're not looking. You don't take the chance, you don't look at all! When you're leaving be sure not to turn back because that person that's not behind the shower curtain might not come out and chase you. The thought scares you as you nearly trip trying to find your bedroom door. When going over to the bed be sure to jump on it from a far distance so the monsters and evil vampires don't grab you and take you to their under-the-bed world, which is only your dirty socks you have thrown under there. So before you go to bed at night, be sure to go to the bathroom and close all your doors.
Other night terrors: Here's another "home alone" precaution you might take to an extreme. Sitting on your couch, just before midnight, because, you can stay up that late if you want. Why not? You hear something in the kitchen, a tick, a tick that a killer could've made! By the way, it was just refrigerator adjusting its temperature. You get up to go investigate, because you're an idiot, it ends up being nothing. You straighten up and get yourself a glass of water. Standing near the kitchen window, you realize that you don't wanna stand next to that window because someone will pop up out of the blue. So, by this time you're back in the living room, getting tired of Family Guy, heading upstairs you keep every light on...just incase. You sleep in your parent's bedroom while they're away because their bed is comfy...no. You sleep in their bed because you're scared! You close every door and make sure you know what objects makes what sound and then you turn on the tube to watch...Family Guy again.
What Knockers!: It's daytime now, pleasantly sitting on your couch enjoying cooking shows and your homemade nachos. You here a knock on the door and unfortunately your house has a window right next to the door...so they can see you. They can see you're home... What do they want? Your soul? To buy girl scout cookies? Doesn't sound too bad right? Selling your soul for cookies sounds pretty normal. But NO! They want you to read a book. And not just read a book, they want to be IN your house! They want you to join them! But you already have Jesus! But not Jesus in their perspective, they won't leave. Why? Because they see you're home! Solution? Watch TV upstairs.

And these are the things that make me go...
EEEKKK!!!!!!!!

Home Alone: the good, the "meh" and the precautions!

Being home alone can be a lot of fun for a teenager, it could also be boring and some teenagers can be/ mostly are stupid. Let's begin with some precautions a teenager should take while having the house to themselves.
Peeping Tom's: This isn't necessarily a "problem" in my current neighborhood, but you never know. Someone could be lurking around the corner, peeping through windows, anywhere. So in order not to feed a peeping Tom's fetish you should probably consider the following rules. (a) Don't prance around the house naked, not in just your undies either. I understand it has the possibilities to be "fun" but just do it where there are no windows. (b) Don't get out of the house, this guy could get excited and take you for his own! But if you gotta be somewhere or take out the trash than go ahead. But like tanning? Try to do that when someone's home. If you feel like your neighborhood is safe than you can take the chance....I suppose. (scary music scary music!)
Burglars: If you have a nice house, than be aware of these human raccoons! When you leave the house, make sure some lights are on along with a radio or something that makes constant noise, that and the house has some sort of security alarm. The noise and lights will give an illusion that someone is home.
NOW FOR THE....."mehh" stuff...
I myself never throw parties, even if I did they would be really lame...I'm too worried about being caught, haha! So I usually don't have friends over, maybe my sister? Sad right? She's cool though :) But invite friends over, 'cause it can get pretty boring sitting there by yourself. The symptoms of a dull house life usually consist of the following:
The Muncher: You become so consumed with bordum that YOU start to consume everything around you. You don't know why you're making nachos...but they're cooking...and you're not even hungry! What's that? The door bell! You ordered PIZZA!! With extra cheese, and extra bread, and you...you got the cinnamon sticks with the dipping frosting. Why? Because you are lonely!!
The Hobby Zombie: After you have eaten yourself mad, you begin wondering around the house. You're not tired, you're just bored. You play with the game consel that you haven't touched in years! Then you find yourself digging though your old stuff and reading and looking at old pictures. You start calling people cause you need human contact. No one picks up so you make a long voicemail of all the stuff you've done today, which wasn't much anyway. For some reason now you're laying on your bedroom floor...thinking about life. This phase is usually you doing mindless acts to make yourself tired or keep from going crazy.
If it gets to these points....have someone over or go the mall or something!
Now we're ready for the fun part :D There's upsides to being home alone. Here's a few.
What are doors: This is great, it's just awesome. You can walk into a bathroom and NOT have to close the door!...You can even shower with the door open! (I usually don't, I don't know, I'm just weird...) Just don't leave the front or back door open...that would be...bad....
The Superstar: You can dance at home because now...no one is there! No one to judge or laugh. Then, in this process, you find that you can dance! Later you discover, you can dance good to your own standards. But you can have your music blaring, singing your off tune key like you do and you can own the stage if you want! You bow and thank the crowd, then you notice the mailman at the front door laughing his butt off!
The Muncher: Yes, I understand we did this one already but face it...you can eat whatever you want and that makes you pretty happy.
Lastly, you must clean before your parents get home. Throw out the pizza boxes, clean toilets, and spray some frebreeze and then welcome them home!

***WARNING: If you have any siblings the following will be difficult to accomplish!!!!***

I long to witness the presence of someone have yet to see in some time

The title is just a clever way of saying, "I miss someone".

There's two different I miss you's! And then this is the part where I talk about them...

A simple I miss you could feel obligated to say, like if you're on the phone or in a letter. The same as saying it when you see them, "Ooooh, I've missed you!" But more on the lines of: "I just wanted a hug, and you sorta walked through the door..." Or when someone is about to leave, it would be the way we might say goodbye, but really we just want people out of the house.

The other I miss you, is almost hardly ever said. It's a desire to be with that someone so bad that you almost feel sort of ashamed to even say you miss them. Because you love them enough to not want to burden with the fact that you will be sad when they leave. I miss you's can be said with the eyes. When you look each other in the eyes as you close the door, leave the car, kiss goodbye, you can already tell they want to see you again. They will know how much you'll miss them by how hard you squeeze their hand.

Well, I miss someone. I miss the crap outta that person. I have done nothing for the past few days but work on what to give them when I see them next. I have taken everything I know and incorporated it into this. I miss them a lot...to the point where it's kinda sad haha...I just wanna be held.

Missing someone. It's as simple as that folks. 

A New Chapter, so they call it

I have graduated. And boy, was the day and week itself an adventure! Let me explain how this went.

Monday: The Elephant Walk, it's where all the grads get dressed in their cap and gowns and go prancing through their old elementary schools. You walk through the halls as the kids clap for you and you see some of your old teachers. An interesting journey as the girl infront of me told all the little girls to not get boyfriends and to do their homework. Already laughing, I hear a young girl respond to her "Don't get a boyfriend" comment as she says, "Too late." Oh goodness.

Eventually we all hop on the bus again and head to our old middle school. But because of final exams we couldn't see all our favorite teachers, but I did come across my friend's mom whom taught me for a few weeks before I was switched to another class. She hugged me and from what I understand was already in tears when she saw her son walk down a couple of hundred people behind me. :")

Regrouping at the highschool, we joined hands one last time and walked through the halls of our school. Students gathered over arch ways and walls, I have to admit it was pretty amazing. We called it a day and went home.

Tuesday: Rehearsal, there were over 600 chairs lined up in the gym with name tags for us. This was exactly how it would look at the actual thing. The process seemed to take forever! You would think it was easy for people to shake hands and then keep walking. Our principle went over several rules as to was going to happen. No piercings or casual clothes. I could dress up, no problem there, but I had a piercing in. :/ Putting that in the back of my head we headed to Live Oak park and enjoyed a picnic. I got lost on the way there a few times, and due to my lack emotional stability, I cried and yet my poor boyfriend had to deal with me, he wouldn't use those words though :) He calmed me down and helped me figure out how to get there. Which makes me happy, cause I would've lost it if we were yelling at eachother! By the end of the day we were tired though.

Wednesday: Graduation Day!! But we have rehearsal at the Alamodome first. We're told to be there by 8am. HAH! They say buses will be at the school at 7am to take us there if we don't wanna drive. I chose that route. Unfortunately Judson didn't seem to think so many seniors wouldn't wanna drive, so we had to wait about an hour for more buses to come and get us. This rehearsal had gone a little faster than the day before. But there was still so much to do! I had to drive to San Pedro road to find the tattoo shop that gave me my monroe piercing. They took it out and put a clear one in, I went and got a cute dress and got ready to go when I got home. Soon enough I was driving downtown to my graduation where all 665 of us were to walk the stage! Crazy. Crazy everywhere. My feet were killing me, my boyfriend thought I looked amazing :) The ceremony didn't take as long as expected, it was loud and fun and sentimental. My parents left after I walked the stage, so I went to go look for my guy, who was looking for his family, who was looking for him. It took a good 30 minutes or so...I met the rest of his family and I was then invited to Sean's graduation party the following Friday. On my way out of the Alamodome, I became lost. I called my daddy who drove all the way down to save me, I made it back on the highway and headed to project graduation. Which was kind of a let down, we all became bored. And due to certain parts of the month I became a little more emotionally unstable than usual. I got upset with Sean and then it was fine, we tried to sleep in the bleachers and rested heads on each other every now and then. :)
Thursday: I woke up from our bleacher nap around 3am. It was our one month day thingy, we were too tired to really celebrate, just shared a few kisses and then we all eventually went home.
Friday: I didn't really do anything that day besides go to a graduation party at Dave and Buster's. Which was a blast! I drove my man home, he asked if I knew the way...I really didn't but I figured it out :) I listened to him talk the whole time, and I just love it. I could listen to all of it, as I did, but I like it when it's just us and we have "moments" together. We said goodnight and I went home, work the next day. Boo.

But during all of this, it was fun, and I've learned so much, but this was just a small chapter of my life, and I cannot wait to read the rest :)

I want to play a game...

M. A. S. H.

For you ladies, this game was well known through elementary school (cause only girls had crushes on guys then) but mostly through middle school, and high school for giggles.

Elementary we just wanted to end up with the cutest guy, the rest didn't matter. Middle school, you'd throw fits if you didn't end up with right guy and you'd make them circle the one you wanted. Where's the fun in that? High school, by then, you think you have life figured out so the game is just for fun now.

I have taken my own twist on this classic girly game.

The usual categories for this game consist of the following:

Guys (the men you choose that you wanna be with, maybe throw in a silly one for fun)

Home (the place your either Mansion, Apartment, Shack, or House will be located)

Job (Something you'll be doing for the rest of your life)

Honeymoon (the place where, back in the day when people had virginity, they'd go to lose it to the person they were stuck with according to the game)

Kids (the number of them you'd be suffering with)

Pets (animals...duh...)

Car (vroom vroom, you know, a car.)

Wedding dress (color and such)

Number (very important, this number is used by the person who writes all your information down, they will cross off after counting to the number you gave them) 

I play this game a little differently...

Growing tired of the same categories, I decided to add some of my own.

Location (this is where your wedding will take place, for instance: a roof top, church, parking lot?)

Guys Number Two (this is a second list of guys, either celebrities or people you couldn't imagine being involved with)

Endings (happily ever after, divorce, a cheater, they kill eachother, etc.)

Doesn't seem like too much of a difference right? You'd be surprised at how much more fun it is, especially when you don't really care anymore because...it's a game. Maybe you need examples to see the differences.

Normal version:

"Sally ends up marrying Jimmy. Yay! Sally likes Jimmy alot! They live in a house in California, Sally loves California. She works as a teacher, she really wanted to be a Doctor, but, oh well. They honeymooned in Paris, made 3 babies together. A pet snake, Sally doesn't like snakes, she just didn't know what else to put. She was married in a hot pink dress, oh Lord! And her family drives a BMW."

My version:

"Nicole ends up marrying Peter. Peter is her ex. Major douche bag too! At least they live in a mansion in New York, that's nice. Nicole works as a stripper to support her 28 kids. She likes to look back on the wedding sometimes. Recalling her pee colored wedding dress, standing in the graveyard of their home town, and honeymoon in her Aunt's trailer. Nicole adores her pet alligator everyday, she even drives in it her hummer limo to work sometimes. Unfortunately, her marriage goes to shams when she starts cheating on Peter with Robert Downey Jr. They both end up killing eachother anyway.

See? Wasn't that so much more fun? There's a plot twist and everything! So you can play my game, or the boring game.

You're welcome.

Rush

When you lay out in the sun
heat overwhelms your skin
      Then a chill breeze flows past.
Listening to a song
the bridge begins
      Goose bumps wave past your every particle.
Talking with a bland mouth
mint hits your tongue
      The first breath feels fresh.
Empty stomach
the first bite of food
the first sip of an ice cold drink
      Passing through the emptiness of your hungry being.
Working hard all day long
feet tired of the pain
      Laying down, relieving feet from the gravity that has weighed down on you.
The part in the movie where he finally turns around and gets her back
      The excitement you feel for them.
On a roller coaster
right before you take the big dive.
      Your heart drops but you're not scared.
The look in his eyes
before he decides
that he wants to kiss you.
      It's a rush.
            It's a skip of the heart
                 It's the beautiful chorus in your head
                       It's exciting.
And it's everything you feel when it happens.

Why I don't like guys who have cats...

For clarification: My brother owns cats, so he is excluded from this blog story, cause he's cool. BUT in other words, I just end up not being with a guy who owns cats. I'm actually not too sure "why" I don't but let's figure it out! :) I believe guys who own cats depend on their emotions too much to where their manliness has faded or they just end up being jerks. Some can be sweet and good guys like my brother but you know, he's my brother, haha! Some can be creepers: For instance, my stalker. He owned a cat, very emotional guy, pretty unstable. And if "I'M" saying someone is emotionally unstable, then they must be bad. Another guy I had talked to for awhile had one too. He was a sweet guy, but he was just kind of awkward to be with. The Asshole: was the tattoo artist who left his number on the table at work, texted him, he semi-flirted, and then never spoke to me again. And to think I was going to get my monroe pierced at his shop. Pssh. So there it is, nice guy, awkward guy, creepy guy, and douche bag guy. My ex owned a dog, it wasn't the most preferred relationship but it also wasn't a totally horrible one, I wouldn't do it again. But he hated cats. My current boyfriend has owned a dog, but it's gone now. He loves all animals in general though :) Case in point being...cats are cute but dogs rule. Cats manipulate, deceive, and can never seem content with what they have. Sounds like a douche bag, huh? Sounds like a couple of guys you've dated, hmm? While dogs are loyal and trusting, and they care! Wouldn't you like that in a relationship?! And dogs can be way cuter than cats sometimes. So my advice would be....find a dog. And then don't act like a "bitch" to him. (It was a curse word used for puns). And guys that don't like animals or having, owning, pets...well...I don't know! That would be my father, he doesn't like dogs. Anywho. Date a guy with a dog. 

When the world crumbles beneath your feet.

Lately you might have read about how I am on top of the world. And now I'm not. Like I said, I brought myself down. I've tried so hard to not let myself down because I love the feeling of being in the air!

How did I get here? Just the world, I think when it saw how happy I was getting it decided that life was just getting too good for me. Gee Laura, what happened?

Job is crap, all managers are beginning to dislike me, got pulled over, spent too much money fixing my car, took some seriously difficult final exams, and now I am unable to see the one guy outside of family that makes me smile.

I feel like I do things wrong and that I do too much, I've been hurt so many times before because I lose my heart. All of this has made me so weary to let myself just trust. I do trust, I trust he won't cheat or talk to girls like they were more than friends, but in the back of your mind you know you'll get hurt some time or another. It keeps you up at night, it controls your mind. And you don't want it to!! No one does! But when I'm reassured, when he tells me it's all alright. He would never intentionally hurt me. Then I'm okay, hearing that is like being able to give your mind and heart a hug.

Don't get me wrong, he gives me a good dose of reality every now and then. I'm not compared to others cause it's not his place, it doesn't make him sad when I leave, I'm not the light in his life, I don't fill any voids. Not yet, it's only been so long :P

But that's who I am! I try to fill the voids. I try to bring the smiles. I try to be the only light they will see. But I'm always so scared of not being enough. It wears me out, it consumes me. It sucks when you're giving the world to someone but they're stuck looking at another planet or just don't even see that the world your giving them comes with a moon, it comes with stars, it comes with the sunset. And all the person giving you the world wants to see is the smile on their face when they finally see the beauty and the importance that this world means. It's so hard to give such a gift to arms that refuse to open. But you stand there and wait. You smile and try to budge them every now and then. You stand holding the world in your arms, waiting to share it with someone, someone who is willing to help you not only see all the amazing things it comes with but help you carry some of your struggle. Let you know that you're not the only one in your world. You want them to invade your space, invade your world, change some things around, destroy your demons...

It's steps at a time. It's a long process, but if you truly care, you won't stop trying to share your world, because you're tired of being the only one living there.

So if your world crumbles to the ground, pick up the pieces, put it together, and find someone who has stronger hands to help you hold your world together.

Let's try to look at this from a "funny" point of view.

To any other person in the world, the last few days would've seemed like a living nightmare and somewhere down the street from hell. But, I'm trying to see it as something funny.

I went to go see Ironman three with my dad on Friday evening, but I was pretty hungry. My work was right next to the theater so thought we could grab a couple of appetizers and head to the movie, sounds normal right? Remembering it was Friday night at a popular busy food place, my dad suggested we eat at the bar. Well, apparently there's a policy at my work stating that employees cannot sit at the bar, like at all! Mind you, I hadn't even worked that day at all, wasn't in uniform, wasn't even drinking an alcoholic beverage (I'm not old enough, duh.) so we're thinking it should be okay, I mean we were reassured by another waitress.

Sunday, I come to work, just in a bad mood from not hearing from my boyfriend due to my and his busy-ness. And I had just gotten roasted the night before, the event itself had brought upon some old wounds and a friend dropping fresh hot wax on my face. So, I get to leave work early, THANK GOD. Seriously needed it. Doing about some work while I'm there and then I'm called into the office. Dun dun DUN. I am signing yet ANOTHER warning notice, stating if I sit at the bar another time that I will be written up.

This is not the first, nor even the second time I have signed a warning notice. The first one I signed was based off the fact of my first day of being a waitress on my own with tables I was unprepared for, needless to say I had been overwhelmed. Then to find out that I wasn't even supposed to be assigned to those tables.

The second time I had to sign a different warning notice, stating if I was to receive any other customer complaints within the next 30 days that I was either demoted to hostess or I was to be terminated. I had only gotten one customer complaint that day, which wasn't even my fault, it was the kitchen's fault, I had done my required job. In turn I had to refund the customers to go meal OUT OF MY OWN POCKET.

So, as you can probably tell from now I had just about had the last straw.

I was trying to see if maybe I could go see my man to help me feel better. He was busy. Crying on the way home, I turned into my neighborhood past a cop. I'm not sure why, but I had a feeling that he was going to pull me over for something. Sure enough. He turned out of the neighborhood and right back in, turned on his lights and I just gave up by that point.

My inspection sticker was expired. So, I made an appointment to get that done well, today. Decided to kill some birds with one stone and took care of a check up and oil change. There's something wrong with my tire monitor. I end up spending almost $300 on my car.

Then what I thought was peanut butter and celery sticks at lunch...was not peanut butter. I don't know what it was but it was absolutely horrible. Trying to make healthier decisions and this is what I get??

Then came my fourth period class, vented all this to a friend and complained about how he wouldn't like seeing me, my guy, like this and I'd be a bother of some sort. Finally making it to the class where I see him, he comforted me and asked me what was wrong. No guy has ever cared that much besides my father of course. I feel like a very lucky girl.

Picked up my car. Did some chores. Took care of my mommy. Put a puzzle together with my brother. And here I am. Still in one piece.

Thank God. :)

Why I dislike "lectures"

Lectures can always help, don't get me wrong, but they always tend to make me over think and it's completely unnecessary! I understand the topic, and it's usually something I'm going through. It discusses the downside of things, stuff I have to be ready for. After this conversation it is where I begin to doubt in whatever is going on with my life.
I "was" on top of the world and still am sorta. But when it comes to reality checks for me, it makes me wonder what I might do wrong, instead of all that I can do that is right!
I know you have to keep one foot on the ground but when the other foot starts hesitating on what to do, you are at a loss. People begin to notice your fear and doubt and then they go away. You cannot unthink your thoughts. You cannot unhear the lecture. You are stuck until someone brings you out from the water rushing over you and drowning you. They won't save you unless you make it known that you need to be saved. And that is when you're too nervous to tell them. It's a vicious cycle of not knowing what to do and it taking over you.
I hate lectures.

Then and Now

Kisses were cold and empty
Now they are warm, I melt at the very touch
Hugs were ordinary and plain
Now they put me in a whole other world
Hands have been so small and dry
Now they are comforting and wanting
Affection was given because it felt obligated
Now it is given through want and care
Mornings were a struggle
Now there is more reason to awaken
Smiles were forced
Now they come naturally
Laughs were awkward
Now they are full and real
I was tolerated for being me in certain ways
Now I am liked for everything I am

This was just a small little, poem? Of my thoughts on life lately :)

Have a nice day!

Feeling special

Special: unique and extraordinary.

It can be something you want, something you feel, or something you wanna be.

And I feel extraordinary!

Currently one guy has made me feel like I have become something truly special. I don't think it's so much that I didn't think I was special before, it's just a feeling you have. You don't hit the snooze button in the morning because you cannot wait to see what the day has in store for you. "What's in store for you." Not something life is going to hand to you, it's up to you to get up and go get it yourself! And I've been getting up, seeing what the day holds for me, getting ready just so I can look nice for one person that already and always finds me beautiful. Silly, right?
Never, with anyone else, has someone been so...proud, to call me his. No shame at all. Doesn't have a problem with telling his friends that I am the girl who is wrapped around his finger and he is the one wrapped around mine. I am appreciated. I am on an invisible pedestal.
In the past, I was an object, I was someone who was saved for when they were bored. I was number two in the relationship. They're shouldn't be numbers involved. We are both number one. But we both see the other as someone who should "feel" like they are above all else to the world. He is not better than me, I am not better than him. But I make him feel special, he does the same for me. In the past, I was a toy and I let them play with me. Why? I thought it was love. Believing they actually cared.
But now, I am special.
:)

What it's like on the top of the world!

The top of the world. To a girl like myself, the top of the world isn't so much a place as it is a state of mind.

We don't always know how we quite got to the top, but we just sorted showed up, either we got there so fast we can't remember how we arrived or we were distracted during the whole journey. The only problem about being so high is looking down, you know you shouldn't have looked down, because now all you can think of is how you'll fall. It haunts your dreams, you become paranoid, and before you know it... the top of the world seems so far away. The one thing you were scared of, not being so high and happy, is the fear that brought you down to reality. You forget the dream and life becomes its own nightmare.

So how can we stay on top of the world but still be aware of the fall? It's all apart of becoming wise. Seeing the world as the messed up place it is, keep priorities straight, but some times about remembering to look at the sky. The sky, to me, brings me a sort of comfort. It symbolizes the fact that there are opportunities, that the worst will shape up to something beautiful. The world will eat us alive. Just like if you don't swim to the top of the water with your head up, you will drown. If you don't look up to the sky and a better outcome, the world will suffocate you.

I've been on top of the world. And I'm not alone up there :) But when he feels his world is crashing I come back down to Earth. And I try what I can to help him remember what the sky looks like. If he doesn't see it, I simply stay with him. It's all I can do. He's had nightmares, like people do, but I found myself having to wake him up to the wonderful dream he was in and that his nightmare was just a bad reality. Sometimes that's how we should live life: Waking up to a dream and falling asleep to reality, just so we can look forward to waking up again.

What makes me, cool

I wouldn't necessarily call myself, "cool" simply because people have different ideas of what cool really is. Cool could be the girl dating the lead football quarter back, or the girl that knows how to play every video game known to man. Cool could be the type of music you listen to, what kind of parties you go to, or IF you go to parties. I've come to find that in most occasions that guys think I'm pretty cool.
Why? Even some of family makes fun of me! Is it because I'm laid back, chill, make jokes that some girls would gasp in disgust with. Maybe our uniqueness makes us cool.
Truthfully. I think I am...for the lack of better words, a bad-ass. I'm no tough girl, I'll wimp out, start to cry, slap and bite. But, hey, I've never met anyone just like me! If anything pisses me off, I'll rant and some people appreciate what I have to say while others simply just don't care? I speak my mind of a subject until I'm completely satisfied in getting it off my chest, I'll go a little over board sometimes, but don't we all every now and then? Yelling at a driver in front of me is nothing compared to what I will do if you offend me or someone I love. When mother nature comes around my filter turns off. My filter already isn't that good, so at this point I am literally talking out of my butt. Makes me pretty bad-ass, right?
I think people like to see someone who is strong and stands firm in what and who they are. We will all break down and lose it some time or another, but what strong or weak person doesn't. If you push the right buttons for the wrong things, you will have regrets.
The firmer you are in the person in which you portray, the cooler you are to other people. A person, who just by looking at them, that you can just tell this person doesn't care about what the world thinks. Anyone who doesn't take the time to understand them shouldn't be of their concern. THOSE are the coolest people!
But I love God. I am a christian. I stand firm in that, till death take me to Him. I like classic rock and musicals. I am a Star Wars nut head. I don't like veggies. I suck at sports. I am a teenage girl who will almost always have that one boy that drives me up the wall. :) I love to love. "Old people" are the most awesome people ever because they're so wise. I still call my dad Daddy. I actually LOVE my step mom! Who can say that these days? So yeah, I think I'm sort of cool.
You're cool too! Whoever you are, you're reading this, you're cool!!
(Because you're reading this....it makes you even cooler!) ;D

I have no title for this, because I think it's just that stupid

Whore.
Such a strong word for people that are unaware of how to go about using this word. I have been called a whore because I show a public display of affection. For hugging and laughing with the guy I am dating.
This word, when used properly, means a person who has slept with multiple people with no means of love at all. Gives their self away freely without a care in the world.
As far as I am subconsciously aware, he's the only guy I've shown any affection for. I have also yet to sleep with him. So, what was that word you called me?

I will admit to laughing at and being disgusted with couples all over each other in the halls. Thinking, gee, get a room! Of course I'm not mean enough to say it to their face, it's their moment, I just didn't like it being displayed so freely I suppose. But there's thoughts in the back of my head I never seem to share with anyone, and that's usually the logical part of it all.
We don't know their life or their story, why they choose the hall, how long they've been together, or what kind of people they are. Have you ever stopped the think, maybe he's going off to the army or somewhere far for the summer or maybe much longer. It explains why she can't seem to let go of him. Maybe they just got together and don't realize how much they're doing in public, they're in their own world! Or maybe, just MAYBE, they freaking love each other or immensely care for the other person and they simply don't care what others see. They might choose the hall because that's the only class that's the closest spot between both their classes, there could be other reasons as well for that. And these people could just be passionate people. Us people that simply pass by can choose to ignore it, but if you feel the need to say something out loud to your friends, you might be slightly jealous or just want some of that little flame with your long term boyfriend.
But I did not understand why this particular display of affection made a person a whore. I have known people to do obscene things with guys or girls in bad places, drugs, sex, alcohol to the point of pregnancy. These are just sins people, it's no bigger than the sins I've made. But the sins I've committed and the sins anyone else has committed brings no persons' right to judge the other by who is more pure. We all somehow "judge" people, but the right to CONDEMN does not belong to us. People, think what you will, but I strongly suggest to not be the person to point the finger at what is to be looked down upon. You will be looked down upon by someone else. The least you could do is understand them and see eye to eye. Not "get on their level", but instead put yourself in their shoes. Listen to their story.
This blog is not about being a whore. It is about assumptions, becoming your own idol, and becoming so blind the only thing you choose to see is your own opinion. The reasons these couples don't care what you think is because you obviously aren't upset enough to say something to their face. Odds are, they probably wouldn't care anyway. :/

This is not for my personal story, it is just to help open eyes.

May the Fourth!

I've had a bit of an obsession with Star Wars. Just a tad. This includes owning enough Star Wars t shirts to last me a week, two toy lightsabers, two candy dispensers of Darth Vader and R2D2, ANNND a "A New Hope" movie poster... Yeah, it's not obvious that I enjoy it at all.

Is it sad that I almost come to tears when I discover a friend has never heard of nor seen any of the films? It's a classic! How can you not?!

There's been several arguments that the newer ones have not been the best, stick with the old ones, or stick with the new ones because the graphics are better. I've always been one to fight for what I believe true and right but, they are movies and people are entitled to their own opinions. So, let it be. I like both the new and old films because all of it tells an epic story! To be honest, I prefer the old graphics, that's where all the hard work went into or like, the very hands on work. Where you can see how the costumes move when the characters speak. Awesome. But thank God that George Lucas knew how to cast for his films, otherwise it would've ended horribly.

But then we have the people that are against it completely or just refuse to watch or enjoy it to it's full and amazing glory! These are the kind of people that will probably only have one favorite series. They will only be Potter fans, or LOTR fans, or.. God forbid, Twilight fans. While I will admit to not seeing all of the Lord of the Ring movies, I am NOT fully against NEVER seeing it. I've seen most of the Harry Potter movies and I like them! I actually read the Twilight books (I'm a girl, I was curious what the buzz was about) I liked the books... I laughed when I saw the movies. The only point I'm getting at is, people! Be open minded!

I might crack jokes about a series but it's with a good heart, and an ignorant mind. Like I had said, never saw all the LOTR but if I make fun it is because I like hearing peoples' reasons as to why I shouldn't make that joke and why I should see it. You know, like pushing buttons to see what works.

Back to the main part of this awesome day. STAR WARS!! Don't get me wrong, I love Luke and the whole Han Solo gang but I am a sucker for the dark side. I have an unlikely soft spot for Darth Vader, when you watch the movies in order from one through six, you see him become the monster he tried so hard not to become but the power and the want to save his family went to his head, not his heart. But his heart was not gone forever. That's why I cried while watching episode six... When he told Luke that he was right about him, there was still good. And then he died. :,(

I once had an argument with a six year old about who killed General Grievous. Coming to find out he was referring to the tv series and not the movie series. Apparently that part of the story is completely different. Not a big fun of the whole making it into a cartoon series but like I said, it's a matter of opinion. This movie is geniously made. It's not a word but it's my word, deal with it. Lucas made the last three, which, back then, the graphics were like nothing anyone had ever seen! So you can imagine how well that sold. And THEN he made the first three like 20 years later! People would see it to know what happened and because it would probably look just as cool. Millions and millions of dollars. And directing it was just as awesome, it brought you it, it made you laugh, made you cry, made you wanna yell, "What are you doing??"

This, all this, ladies and mostly likely gentlemen is why I love Star Wars!

May the Fourth be with you.

How girls get asked out

There are so many ways a girl can be asked out! And there are ways she doesn't like or prefer being asked out. Here are their stories. (Haha, just kidding, just fun stuff)

The shy one:

This guy might take awhile to ask her. Even in a text he's uncomfortable talking about it. And this guy could be absolutely amazing, everything the girl dreamed! But let's face it, he needs to grow a pair or prove that he has a pair... She's on her feet the whole time, she's mountain high crazy for this guy. She might seem scared that he's just gonna leave her high and dry and that she'll just be pushed off that mountain. And when the poor girl has to ask for herself the guy is slightly relieved but still kinda disappointed he didn't do it himself.

The Waiter:

A similar case to the shy one but with a tangy twist. The guy with all the amazingness a girl could dream of. She is on her feet and mad for this guy but can't let it show too much. Why? Well, you don't wanna come off crazy...yet. AND because she is waiting. The girl is completely aware that he is bound to ask at some point or another. She's hinted at it once or twice but he sorta puts it on the back burner. She doesn't know what to expect, if he plans on asking her with an extravagant entrance or in a text or just waiting on getting something else? He is waiting and you have NO IDEA what or when whatever is going to happen! And this either makes her crazier for the guy or crazier in general. My theory is he would ask her inperson or at least in a phone call. I think that guy would like to her voice when she says yes.

The Texter:

Mostly likely the top irritating version of being asked out, unless they pull it off smoothly. This isn't necessarily shy as much as he just uncertain of what her answer might be. Possibly not wanting to get rejected in front of his face, so he can just sob on his own. There's been cute ways of pulling off this situation, but it's not preferred. Another case could be this guy is busy, he's done this before, he has enough confidence to know she'll say yes and then can freely go about their day while he has no fret about a simple date. So gentlemen, try NOT to use this strategy.

The Show Off:

Boy, does this guy have the most beautiful face you've ever seen. The nicest body you've ever seen. The deepest, sexiest voice you've ever heard. And boy does he know it. You know he knows it. And he knows you know he knows it. But yet you are still wrapped around his finger. He doesn't mind when people, girls, admire his looks, in fact, it's like his oxygen. So once you've figured this out you automatically know he likes to show off. When he proposes a date to you it's like fireworks, and teddy bears, and chocolates and he's singing opera! Maybe not that epic but in a teenage mind that's how it feels. But another reason a guy might show off or have a big entrance is because he wants to see that sparkle in her eyes and pray that she says yes! As you can see it could go both ways.

Just Friends:

Y'all have been best buds for years! You picked on each other and made fun of the people you dated but they were always there. Then...there's a realization when they see a whole new side of them. All the sudden, they seem ATTRACTIVE! WHAT?? This slowly turns to gradually getting butterflies when you see them and laughing more at what the say or wanting to hold them a little longer than just the casual hug. Both of y'all start to feel the same and before you know it, he's comfortable in asking if he could take you out. Not "hang out", "go out". And let the future lead you guys where y'all should go.

The only thing that ladies and gentlemen, we do not know who will do what sort of approach to being asked out and guys may not be sure how you'd like to be asked out. But if the guy is right then you can share that memory forever and if he's not quite the guy you were looking for, you still have a story.

:)

What the...?

Dreams. The only thing that doesn't make sense, besides women's crazy emotions when mother nature comes by. Sometimes dreams are so weird you wonder if you sleep walk while doing drugs. But other times, if you just have too much time on your hands, it sorta makes sense. Not necessarily the dream but more of the reason of why you had it or where it came from...

Dreams kind of digest whatever you saw, heard, and did throughout the day and then make this huge pile of crap. Face it, if your dreams were made into movies, only pot heads would enjoy it. And nightmares? Yeah, that kinda horror film just wouldn't match up with any story line whatsoever. The audience also would hate the sudden ending and it's just someone being woken up by their mother. Dreams are weird, mine are some times interesting, I can still remember a few from when I was younger.

The most recent I had, I can hardly remember but it came together when I woke up. I had dreamed that I went and got my first tattoo. It was epic too, and I also I had gotten the piercing I'd been wanting for awhile. All I can recall was my mom giving me a disapproving look and then we continued on with life, you know, after I slayed dragons or something really cool that would probably make me cry in real life. I realized that before I had gone to bed I had googled tattoos I was interested in getting, so it explains some of it?

The oldest I can recall, I was maybe five. We were at my Uncle's house playing hide and seek with my cousins but we were playing on my bed but it was in my cousin's room...? But, my cousin Aimee had fallen off the top bunk. We weren't necessarily scarred as much as we were just curious as to what just happened! I went to peek through her eye lid or just check on her. And her whole eye was black. She opened both eyes and I'm just sitting there talking out loud to my cousins and I look at them and they have the same eyes! I run to go get the adults who are mingling in the kitchen when I notice theirs are all the same!! I sprint out the door, hop in the drivers seat of the police car, and start driving away from the, now on my tail, Godzilla. Holy. Crap.

One other thing that intrigues me, I see dreams from both point of views. Sometimes I will see myself in the dream while other times I can see my dream through my own eyes and have thoughts of what my next action should be. Maybe I have like a director for film's mind? So I can understand the story from both sides. It's quite funny every now and then, because I can sense myself telling dream me not to do something and then hearing my own voice be like, "Noo.... What are you doing you idiot!?"

I love dreams though :)

Mornings

Everyone approaches mornings differently. There are all types of, "morning people". Here are some examples. Now I might miss some, but these are the typical ones.
All nighters:
These are mostly known as, "teenagers". They somehow save all their energy for the night as they sleep through classes, stuff their face at lunch and sleep again. You either have the social teens that stay out with friends at arcades or in a ditch somewhere. Or the anti social but social media types. We tend to snuggle in our blankets with our laptop to accompany our lonesome beds as we listen to music, post statuses, follow twitters, or like myself, blog. In mostly likely cases we won't really hit the sack until maybe 12:30 or 2 am. Usually as we lay our head to rest we already know how many times we'll hit the snooze button and figure, "I don't need to look too over dressed tomorrow, I'll just throw on some jeans." Surely enough, we are NOT prepared to get up even if it's 7:15 am.
Texters:
People, teenagers (again) who have found a new love interest and probably haven't seen the sky in awhile due to the cute boy or girl making their phone buzz with cheesy comments to each other. This typically fades after awhile after having nothing to talk about and a dead battery. They'll wake up, drool faced, tired, red eyed, but smiling because that special someone said good morning. But they'll be sure to look their best in the morning and despite the fact the only had 3 hours of sleep, you will have never seen anyone so spunky and fun.
Book Readers:
I'm talking the hardcore readers. The friends you have that can read the Harry Porter series in a week while you are on book one during the second week. The people that get so into it they won't put it down until the book seems like it could be a stopping point. But any good author knows they've gotta keep their audience hooked the entire time so they won't make any sort of stopping point. We're all humans though so this book worm has got to get some rest, 2 am? Yeah, that sounds fine. Waking up a little grouchy when they realize they don't live in their book's world and have to suffer through the day until they get a moment to sit down and drown themselves the book's reality again.
Business types:
Also known as the no-life-hasers. Bluetooth in one ear, iPad in the hand. Coffee in the other. Goes to sleep with their blackberry at their side. This person might be on zombie mode. Waking up isn't a problem, they know their routine. Maybe head to the gym in the morning if they're smart but once again all while, "taking care of business". A very sad type of morning person.
Mid day workers:
This will probably be the most happy morning person without needing a second party to make them happy. These people chill with friends at night, watch movies, late night dinner, anything really. Their school or job doesn't start until like 1 pm. So getting up isn't too hard when it's not morning anymore.

Honestly, everyone is a "morning person", you just gotta find out your type.

Random things.

This cat. Is beyond epic. I have never seen a cat look so...human like? The more I stare at it the funnier it gets. Where would you even begin to caption this!

"I gotta sneeze..."

"Oh Lordy... tuna..."

"Dude. What were in those brownies?"

"I just stepped in my own poop."

Random things, they're the best. They're unexpected and just plain awesome. Seeing weird things as you drive down the road, a sign, a t shirt, a noise someone makes when they laugh.

My english teacher at the beginning of the year made us create an acrostic poem describing our self. One of my words was "random". She did not to seem to agree, she stated that I seemed too solid of a person to be random. That I was a concrete person. What? How did she come up with that! I mean sure, I'll be mature in class because, we'll it's school. Teachers need to be respected so that's what I do! But this whole year, through doing certain assignments or journals I would throw in unexpected things. For instance.

We're usually told to do 18 to 25 lines when writing journal responses. And a particular day I just didn't feel like reading our book so I sort of BSed it. The first couple of lines made sense with of what I did read. The rest I talked about certain Star Wars episodes and what planet I think I really came from. And literally the last sentence was, "And that's why my dad is from Mars."

I got 105 on that assignment.

All my designs and posters and journals are all entirely random, she thinks I'm just being creative. Ugh, I'm TRYING to be RANDOM!

One of my favorite activities on a slow day at work is to say odd things to other waitresses as they pass through the kitchen. I'll say, "My butt is KILLING me!" "I have a wedgie." "I have zebras on my underwear." Another fun thing to do is come up behind someone just casually standing there and whisper anything in their ear. Happens to me all the time! It scares the crap outta me! My knees almost went out when someone did that it scare me so bad. I think she said something about waffles...

I named my car Jim for crying out loud! Most people give their car a car name or at least something in relation to the color of the vehicle but mine's is Jim. It's not short for James or anything. I just like the character Jim from The Office. 

Another thing. I can never seem to make a straight face or just regular smile in a photo. I have to be making a weird face, I can't even smile at a guy properly. I might be too weird for most people. Oh well.

Here, enjoy this picture of Freddie Mercury on a blinged out Darth Vader.

Butterflies

We're never sure if it's due to an empty stomach or maybe that fish we ate yesterday, but we get butterflies. In our tummy, in our head, in our feet! From that buzzing feeling in the center of your body, the inability to think and process things, to missing a step and tripping. We can deny what causes them but we all know where they come from.
Someone simply making us feel special, like we stood out apart from everyone else somehow. Whether it be within a small moment to just creating those moments to last forever. Someone could whistle at us in the hallway, sure we roll our eyes because some one is being immature but you know you feel a little better about yourself afterward.
I get butterflies a lot, or at least recently. Nothing beats the suspense to looking forward to seeing someone for 30 minutes. We're teenage girls! And don't know how long this will last, we don't know if he'll stick around, we don't know what will happen. We just know butterflies.
I get them before a performance, or some crazy bowel movements (oh goodness, those are bad), I get them when a cute boy tells me I'm pretty and when they walk me to class.
I love butterflies! All you know is smiles and laughing and giggling, (which is pretty much the same thing but giggles tend to be more extreme because I won't be able to talk). And because I am the person I am, I love to see people smile, it's the best reward!
But what makes them stick around? People lose the butterflies from time to time, and they wish they could bag them up and be able to feel them forever! After awhile, we expect the expected and the butterflies don't really have that much fun when they know the party is coming. I think what might keep them around would be staying spontaneous!
Don't bring flowers every Wednesday or take a girl out to dinner every Friday night. You gotta spice it up! And it's not just on the guys part, ladies, surprise your man! Do something for him! He may not get girly butterflies but he'll probably be really happy!
Call all his guy friends up, make a crap ton of snacks and let them have a guys night. Especially if he's been acting odd lately. The world is not about you ladies, but don't let him always expect for you to do everything. But we're not getting into that today!
Sure, with old love you may not have the same effect new love has but there's always something out there to make everything worth while. I love seeing my parent's love, because they both know it's not 50% 50%, it's 100% 100%. My dad writes songs, and my mom knows what he loves and supports what he does. They go on trips and let them just have moments with each other. It's the sweetest thing ever!
With teen girls, we're driving down the road singing as loud as we can, with a grin on our face and thinking of what to wear the next day. We are ridiculous. I will admit it, but girls, don't wait around for a guy if he doesn't at least get the gist that you're up in the clouds happy, not crazy. If a guy is thinking that, not only is it just not worth it, he won't understand and it'll take a lot to try to make him see that as well.
When a guy tells you he likes you because you're odd, or unique, that he saw you and his first thought was beauty despite your manly burps, slight bit of love handles, dry hands or even weird looking feet, it's not even butterflies anymore, you just straight up MELT. If he sticks around when he sees your nutty side... DO NOT SCREW IT UP!
Just a reminder. Let the guy ask you out, don't push him. I'v learned that the hard way... ;)

Waitress thoughts:

I hope I'm just an extra tonight

My feet hurt so bad!

...this food...smells...so...gooood.

What's a brain? Where's mine?

What was I supposed to get?

Gee, these people look happy.

Who touched my butt this time?

Well done? I could easily get you a rubber band...they'd taste the same.

I wonder if I have texts.

Let's "hope" this is what she said she wanted...

THANKS FOR THE $2!! THE COMPLIMENT WAS REALLY NICE! Cause THOSE pay for car insurance.

I need to pay my car insurance...

I wonder if he's gay.

Why didn't I eat? Oh, cause I'm a moron.

My butt hurts!!! Tell ALL the co workers!

You don't have to pee, you don't have to pee!

I need to pee...

*fingers crossed*  Just do butters tonight, just do butters tonight. Annnnd I'm cleaning until 11:30.

Crap.

Really?

Why!?!?

*random mimicking of snobby customers*

 

Uncertainty

Something I can always say I carry in the back of mind and heart. Not to be confused with doubt or just not believing something will happen. Hearing from a job, a guy, meeting with a friend you haven't seen a while. The list goes on.
Uncertainty is sort of when you force yourself to face reality and expect the world to give you what you think you deserve. Then we force situations to go the way we'd like them, but some times the opposing side doesn't agree so much and plans are ruined.
With girls, uncertainty can turn into thinking the worst of absolute everything! You don't hear back from a friend in awhile and then you automatically assume they've died in a horrid car wreck, but the phone died is all. I've made this mistake and have gotten into bad fights with my ex about me bugging him when he didn't reply. Just a little overly concerned. Maybe playing a mother in so many plays it's caused me to think as one at times.
The only real way to deal with uncertainty is trust, and if it's too early to trust someone then you should always trust in God first. He is always certain in our most uncertain moments. As long as we're not stubborn enough we should be able to hear His voice.

When I grow up I want to be...

Dumb.

Of all the things there are in the world to become... fireman, nurse, fighter pilot, chef, or an actor. Most people end up choosing to be dumb. Why?

Maybe because they hear back from McDonald's faster? And to clarify I am not talking about teenagers that apply there, good for them, they're doing SOMETHING. I'm talking about the people that mooched off their parents and when they realized they were kicked outta the house because they ran their parents' pockets dry and they were 30 and THEN decided to get a job, kinda dumb.

I'm talking about the people that allow their 10 year old kids to have iPhones and facebooks, who use language I didn't even KNOW when I was 10! Seriously? When I was ten I had imagination! I played with my cousins and asked for a snack at grandma's house. I didn't get on the computer and talk smack about my "stupid boyfriend" on social media and called other kids losers for not smoking pot or drinking illegally. I knew my place, where adults said what goes and we were to obey. We become responsible for ourselves when our parents think we can handle it.

But that just leads to the other problem, parents don't care anymore :/ In fact they probably dream about how their life would be if they hadn't screwed the first guy that made them feel special. To clarify once again, this is not every teen age girl's problem, it's stereotypical. But please tell me what I'm supposed to think when I see kids with parents that don't care.

I'll admit to hate having to follow rules and to breaking them every once in awhile if not very rarely. But I always knew I was loved.

So when I grow up, I wanna be smart. I wanna be known as a good parent. I wanna be known as the girl who didn't say yes to society's expectations and became who I wanted to be all along. Myself.

This is myself... Being dumb, the good kinda dumb :)

Why do single women buy pretty underwear?

Always been a thought of mine, why DO women, single women, buy sexy panties for people who won't see them? I think I've found the answer...

Well, being a single woman myself, you don't have anyone to tell you that you look hot or someone that already loves your body. So us singles have to learn how to love ourselves. :)

Not to the point where it's arrogant! But enough to make us go home and NOT eat a tub of ice cream. I think buying cute underwear sort of hides this, feisty side of us that no one can see. But we know it's there alright. ;) It adds a mystery to ourselves I believe. People might think, "Hey, I know she's single... Why is she so spunky?"

Well passer by strangers or friends, we're wearing hot panties. And we feel good. We're like muffins, we might seem unhappy because there's no icing to top us off but man do we taste good!

I suggest to any single woman, NO! I "encourage" single women to buy sexy undies and let the whole world wonder what kind of spicy love bug you could be. And just some other advice, don't show off your dandy panties to any curious fellow, make sure he'll love you even if it's granny style.

If you're married, old, single, lesbian, or a transvestite! WEAR HOT PANTIES!! It's all about self esteem people!! And underwear can get you there!!

graduation thoughts

Graduation has been a difficult subject for me to ponder lately. I was reading the Judson Newsletter just to see all the stuff I have to look forward to, elephant walk and pictures, lock ins and practice days. It all sounded so exciting! But I thought about something, they're gonna be announcing what colleges everyone's going to, I don't have one yet, I don't have a solid plan yet and it's not a "scary" thought for me as much as it's a sad thought. Because when I go up there, everyone's just gonna hear my name. They won't hear, Laura Hull, part of one act competitions, or blood donor, or going to Harvard. Just my name. And because the school wants a controlled applause I can only imagine the thought going through peoples' minds for two seconds is, "She didn't think this through, her life is going down hill." By the time they're done with that thought they'll be saying the next student's name and I'll go to a lock in and go home, then to work.

Don't get me wrong, I will have fun that whole night and congratulate friends but at the end of the day the party is over. The world will always win its own wars, it starts its own war and finds a way to stop the war but do it in the most destructive way possible.

We all have that small person in us that says, screw the world. I am my own person. But you know when you look at it again, you care what they think but they don't know the whole story. If the world knew exactly why you are where you are it would be like, okay cool, totally understand bro. But it doesn't care about your story, as far as it knows; you're just not living up to its standards. It will NEVER be entirely satisfied.

In the end, please the person that matters most. God and then yourself. He knows where you're at and He is happy that you will stand strong on that stage knowing that no one else knows what's behind the person you are and maybe, they'll want to find out.   

Crushes of the past (Oh goodness)

Crushes. This verb pretty much drives a girl's life. Sometimes it's harmless and sometimes they go crazy. I've had many crushes in the past, always been a little boy crazy. Kindergarten I chased a boy around all recess, literally I was "chasing" him. And he was running away, haha!

There was a boy in second grade who told me my legs were fat, I then proceeded to sit in an ant pile in front of him and then did the ants in my pants dance. But I saw him again in 6th grade and he got fat.

I'm skipping ahead to the ones I remember the most. 7th grade, Emmett, he was very skinny, very nerdy and for some reason I was attracted to him. We "went out" the way middle schoolers do, I don't even know. And then it got a little outta hand, he started looking for me in the morning and it creeped me out a little. (and I had a crush on someone else) so I ended it. Kinda harsh sounding, right? Yeah, can't back that up, it was kinda mean... But we got over it.

The longest crush that I ever had was around two years. My best friend's brother, classic! He was a drummer at our church, two years older than me, football player, nice abs, and just a hotty. A typical teenage crush. I wrote Taylor Swift type songs, it could be for any boy so it wasn't entirely creepy, right? I never told him and now the dude is getting MARRIED! Crazy..

Then there's the douche bag crush. The guy that will not ever go out with you, a guy your parents probably wouldn't let you date him in the first place, and sorta treats you like crap. Unfortunately my first kiss was wasted on a stage kiss with him. It was cold and wet and just not what I wanted it to be. Needless to say I was disappointed.

My first boyfriend, there wasn't really any time to have a crush on him, he just hit on me and things went on from there. But throughout years and the big crushes you have the small ones as well. The cute guy you like to look at in bio when he's not looking. The guy you can absolutely tell is a jerk but face it, he is beautiful looking, the quiet ones even YOU'RE too shy to talk to. You sometimes sit and wonder where you'd be at if you ever said anything. What your husband will be like and what you'll name your kids and then you wake up, haha!

I will admit to being a little boy crazy but at a controllable state. UNLIKE some of the boys that have had crushes on ME. Oh yeah, guys can be attracted to me but they're boarder line insane or emotionally distressed. I have let some guys go because the attraction wasn't there, face it, it does sorta matter in these kinda situations. I get the socially awkward, just plain awkward, or the guys that just want..something else. But there has been one that will NOT leave me alone, for a good year now. This guy has called me a selfish heartless B-word. And I laughed because it was ridiculous! Then not even a week later he AT LEAST wants to be friends with me. Really? Yep. Then one day, after agreeing to just being friends (who am I kidding?) we're talking about how his work is going and I ask if any girls have hit on him or if he's gone on any dates, he replies back all blah about it. Why you being a bum about it, dude? That's what I say to him as he says, "I'm tired of you pushing me away." Aaaannnnndddd I'm done. I don't reply. At all. And I STILL get texts from him when he goes on his man period every month. So be careful ladies, there's some crazies out there!

IN CONCLUSION! Girls crush a lot, well some don't, maybe not let the whole world know but they probably do. ;) Oh and guys can be crazy too!

socks.

I believe socks are the loneliest.... uh.. objects ever. Think about it! They're probably so hurt and confused.

Socks know they have a sole mate. And they spend that entire packing period together, being shipped everywhere all close in the store.

But something tears them apart. Humans.

Humans are like, I'm just going to abuse these socks and put them on a smelly place on my body because SCREW YOU SOCKS!! And this sole mate pair will stick with each other during the first day of smelly, sweaty, nasty foot torcher. How their day ends depends on the human, so many scenarios! They could keep them on all night and then throw them away from each other across the room. Put them in the hamper as with each day their other sock friends pile up on them!

The washer... A socks living nightmare. A place where they're tossed around carelessly in a metal vat of hot and cold soapy water. The dryer is hell. A hot hole where it feels like the life is getting sucked out of them until they're dry.

As weeks, or maybe months pass the sole mates lose each other down the road. They will be paired up with a strange sock or worse... lost in the dryer forever.

And maybe, just maybe they will spend a day with each other again. Sadly, one sock might have a hole in it, it's been worn out more then the other. Threads are falling apart, they look gray and sad.

Socks live a horrible life.

The best birthday present ever!

Around the age of maybe 14 or 15 I had gone to wal-mart and was browsing around some guys' t shirts when I came across this amazing Def Leppard t shirt... It was from their Pyromania album. An exploding building with a bull's eye on it. And it fit wonderfully too! I mean, I know it's just a t shirt, but it's a rarity to come across one that fits just right. Of course I couldn't truly wear this shirt until I had religiously listened to their music so much I could sing by heart.

Then one day... I lost it. It was gone, forever.

It was getting close to my 17th birthday and I kept telling my dad that all I wanted was that t shirt. Because it was awesome.

August 31st come around and I was handed a card along with a super delicious red velvet cup cake. My dad explained to me that he had gone on ebay and any other site you can imagine to try and find this shirt for me.

I opened the card to find tickets to see Def Leppard live at the AT&T center September 17th. Holy crap. Heart was opening and we had 9th row seats. We were so close!! I felt proud being a 17 year old girl singing every song they played with some crazy stay out home moms who miss the wild life and guys coming just to see the guitars. All while wearing my new resurrected t shirt.

My dad says it's the most expensive t shirt he's ever bought. I believe it.

The concert was the best but it can't top my awesome father :)