Lately you might have read about how I am on top of the world. And now I'm not. Like I said, I brought myself down. I've tried so hard to not let myself down because I love the feeling of being in the air!
How did I get here? Just the world, I think when it saw how happy I was getting it decided that life was just getting too good for me. Gee Laura, what happened?
Job is crap, all managers are beginning to dislike me, got pulled over, spent too much money fixing my car, took some seriously difficult final exams, and now I am unable to see the one guy outside of family that makes me smile.
I feel like I do things wrong and that I do too much, I've been hurt so many times before because I lose my heart. All of this has made me so weary to let myself just trust. I do trust, I trust he won't cheat or talk to girls like they were more than friends, but in the back of your mind you know you'll get hurt some time or another. It keeps you up at night, it controls your mind. And you don't want it to!! No one does! But when I'm reassured, when he tells me it's all alright. He would never intentionally hurt me. Then I'm okay, hearing that is like being able to give your mind and heart a hug.
Don't get me wrong, he gives me a good dose of reality every now and then. I'm not compared to others cause it's not his place, it doesn't make him sad when I leave, I'm not the light in his life, I don't fill any voids. Not yet, it's only been so long :P
But that's who I am! I try to fill the voids. I try to bring the smiles. I try to be the only light they will see. But I'm always so scared of not being enough. It wears me out, it consumes me. It sucks when you're giving the world to someone but they're stuck looking at another planet or just don't even see that the world your giving them comes with a moon, it comes with stars, it comes with the sunset. And all the person giving you the world wants to see is the smile on their face when they finally see the beauty and the importance that this world means. It's so hard to give such a gift to arms that refuse to open. But you stand there and wait. You smile and try to budge them every now and then. You stand holding the world in your arms, waiting to share it with someone, someone who is willing to help you not only see all the amazing things it comes with but help you carry some of your struggle. Let you know that you're not the only one in your world. You want them to invade your space, invade your world, change some things around, destroy your demons...
It's steps at a time. It's a long process, but if you truly care, you won't stop trying to share your world, because you're tired of being the only one living there.
So if your world crumbles to the ground, pick up the pieces, put it together, and find someone who has stronger hands to help you hold your world together.
No comments:
Post a Comment